Not long ago, I overheard a man say that he would take a break from Sunday Mass because Sundays were for the family, and Mass took too much time away from it. Something hit me differently when I heard this. On the one hand, I thought his commitment to his family was commendable. Unfortunately, a man this dedicated to making time for his family is uncommon in our society. However, I was surprised that my reaction contained a measure not only of sadness but also of fear. I was saddened by the fact that he did not understand the greatness of the Eucharist and what happens at Mass. But I was more taken aback by the fear – I will explain why. Before I continue, however, I must say that this article is by no means a hit piece on this man, though I look forward to striking up a friendly conversation with him at some point.
The more I thought about this incident, the more I realized that the measure of fear I experienced came from an idea that has grown in me since I became a father. It is not an unhealthy fear but rather a justified one because it deals with the potential consequences of my actions. The root lies in this realization: if God is not at the center of my life and my family’s, something or someone else will take his place. The reason is that the way we live at home communicates something real to our children: it teaches them what life is all about and why it’s worth living. In other words, it tells them where they should seek fulfillment in life and what the greatest good they should pursue is.
Making time for the family is essential for the father, and our society would be much better off if more dads prioritized this. But if we consider God’s plan as a whole, this falls short. Our children need something greater than us. When, as fathers, we decide that we or the family come before God, we tell our children that the family is the highest good they can pursue. More bluntly, whether we realize it or not, we are telling our children that we, the parents, are the ones who can fulfill their deepest desires. We take the place that belongs to God. Sooner or later, reality hits home, and disheartened, our children go on to find another god: pleasure, sentimental relationships, attention, etc. – usually taking the form of whatever is popular within their circle of friends. It becomes a cycle of hopes that inevitably ends in disappointments.
This is why the role of the father is crucial. He has been given a share in God’s paternity, which means that he is first a son. We may understand Jesus’ command, “Call no man father,” as a warning against the grievous mistake of attempting to be fathers apart from the Father – by taking his place and pointing to ourselves instead of him. This teaches us an important lesson: if we desire to be true fathers, we must learn from the Son.
It is not common to think of Jesus as a father, but he really is a father to the disciples. In the Last Supper, he even calls them his “little children” (Jn 13:33). Jesus is the image of the Father and reveals his paternity to us (Jn 14:9). Deriving our fatherhood from God the Father entails speaking the words that come not only from our own limited wisdom but from him: “The word which you hear is not mine but the Father’s who sent me” (Jn 12:24). We see Jesus correct the disciples numerous times, as he did after his resurrection due to their “unbelief and hardness of heart” (Mk 16:14). We see him give them responsibility in order to teach them to trust in God more than in themselves – like that time he asked poor Phillip how he planned on feeding the five thousand (Jn 5:5). We see Jesus put them on the spot, pushing them to mature by making decisions, such as the time when he asked them, “Will you also go away?” (Jn 6:67). He teaches them and forms them in the way of faith and its relevance: “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (Jn 14:11). He knows that even if his disciples don’t always quite get it, the Holy Spirit will work in them (Jn 16:12-13).
Above all, he leads them to the Father by example. The disciples see him praying constantly, which leads them to ask, “Lord, teach us to pray” (Lk 11:1). Most importantly, he shows them what life-giving love looks like by “loving them to the end” in his Passion and Cross. In doing so, he shows them what true and mature fatherhood looks like. Only thus is he able to ask Peter to love like he loved: “When you were young, you girded yourself and walked where you would; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish to go… Follow me” (Jn 21:18-19). Because of his example, he can initiate Peter, the first Holy Father, into life-giving fatherhood.
Christ shows us that our fatherhood must be rooted in the fact that we are sons of our heavenly Father. For this reason, the most important thing we must do as fathers is point our children to God as the source and fulfillment of their deepest desires. We do this by living an active Christian life at home. We prioritize family prayer, pray the rosary, go to Sunday Mass, say grace before meals, foster silence, talk about God, tell Bible stories, have sacred art in our homes, etc. Our mission as dads matters, and it must entail pointing to the true Father. If we are to fail at something, it cannot be this.