Seventeen years ago, Deacon David Simonton and his wife Gail experienced what David called a “seismic, life-altering event.” At an ultrasound appointment, their 18-week-old baby in utero had no heartbeat.
“No heartbeat. No movement. Our baby had died,” Deacon Simonton told the Denver Catholic in an email interview. “…in an instant, an expectant mom and dad’s worst fear became a reality.”
It was not the first, nor the last time, the Simontons would experience a miscarriage. They previously had two very early miscarriages, and in total would experience four in the span of four years.
“Our miscarriages were devastating losses and Gail especially experienced what I would describe as a deafening silent suffering,” Deacon Simonton said.
“So many families experience the perinatal loss of a child, yet it is not something our society likes to talk about or even acknowledge. While we were unaware of it at the time, the seeds of a future ministry were planted within us,” he added.
The statistics surrounding miscarriage in particular are staggering – an estimated 10-20 percent of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is defined as the loss of a pregnancy prior to 20 weeks gestation. Another 1 in 175 pregnancies ends in stillbirth.
While the Simontons processed their own grief, they felt God calling them to help others experiencing similar kinds of losses.
The idea of a ministry
While the Simontons were still in the hospital with their third miscarriage, they were consoled by visits with Msgr. Ken Leone, as well as a deacon and his wife. Msgr. Leone spoke to the family about funeral and burial arrangements for their child, and encouraged them to name their child, “which was a great comfort,” Simonton said.
The comforting presence of the deacon also opened Gail’s heart to later accept David’s call to join the diaconate. In 2019, shortly after David was ordained, he was assigned to the apostolate of family life ministry at St. Thomas More.
As a part of that role, Deacon Dave and Gail attended a 2019 family life ministry conference and met Matt Selby, who had founded the Behold Your Child ministry in Dubuque, Iowa for parents who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis.
“Another seed planted,” Deacon Simonton said. “With the help of the Holy Spirit, all of these experiences embedded deep in our hearts a yearning to minister to those who we know from our own personal experience are suffering silently from the early loss of a child.”
After meeting with Pastor Msgr. Tom Fryer at St. Thomas More, the Simontons launched their own chapter of Behold Your Child, for families at their parish and within the Archdiocese of Denver. They held their first annual memorial Mass and reception in November 2021.
Who is Behold Your Child ministry for?
These annual Memorial Masses are held for parents grieving the loss of their children through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis.
No matter if the child died yesterday or years ago, grieving parents are invited to attend the Mass, pray for their child, and be consoled by the presence of others who have experienced similar losses at the reception afterward. Licensed Catholic counselors have also been available to meet with grieving parents at the event.
The Simontons said they have seen parents attend the Memorial Mass whose child died more than forty years ago. They have also seen parents attend the Memorial Mass who lost a child just days ago.
“One young couple was pregnant on Sunday when they heard the announcement about the Memorial Mass, miscarried their baby on Wednesday, and attended the Behold Your Child Memorial Mass on Friday,” Deacon Dave said.
One of the common threads the Simontons said they have noticed about families going through these kinds of losses is the loneliness they feel.
“This is the reason we do whatever we can to connect grieving parents with other parents and families who have experienced similar losses,” Deacon Simonton said.
Some families came to gain a sense of closure after a loss; some came to honor their children for All Souls Day. Families from throughout the Archdiocese attended the Mass.
“Hearing their stories of loss cemented in our hearts the obvious need to acknowledge and encourage those who experience this kind of loss,” Deacon Dave said, “(and) to reassure them they do not suffer in silence alone. It was a most meaningful and beautiful start to a new ministry, the seeds of which were planted so many years ago.
This year’s Memorial Mass and other events and resources
The third annual Behold Your Child Memorial Mass will be held at St. Thomas More parish in Centennial on Friday, October 20, 2023, at 7 p.m., with a wine and dessert reception to follow to offer parents time for fellowship and connection. A licensed professional counselor will also be available for attendees of the event.
Besides this Mass, Behold Your Child ministry has a ministry team ready to offer spiritual and emotional support and walk with parents grieving the loss of a child through miscarriage or early infant death. They are also hosting a small group 7-week Lenten series called “I Am Beloved Not Broken,” which will be offered in person at St. Thomas More and St. Francis Cabrini parishes and is available for other interested parishes, or online through Red Bird Ministries: https://www.redbird.love
The website for Behold Your Child also aims to be a landing page for grieving parents, where they can find links to healthcare, burial information, grief counseling, suggested reading, and a host of other resources on miscarriage, infant loss and other related topics.
There are also two upcoming Masses in the Archdiocese of Denver for families who have lost children to miscarriage or early infant death, including the Loss of a Child Mass at 6:30 p.m. on November 20 at Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church in Denver, and an Our Lady of Guadalupe Mass for Infant and Unborn Loss on December 12 at 7 p.m. at St. Mary Catholic Parish in Littleton.
Mount Olivet Catholic Cemetery offers free burial to parents who have lost a child during pregnancy and at birth, and also hosts an annual memorial Mass for these children (Oct. 7 in 2023).
The Simontons said that their suffering, and the suffering others experience in miscarriage and early infant loss, provides parents with an opportunity to be close to Christ in His redemptive suffering.
“For some, it is gazing up at Jesus from the foot of the cross, for others, it is the feeling of being on the cross with Him,” they said. “Within that opportunity no matter where we are in our loss, our prayer is that we find ourselves close enough to Jesus to feel his love and truly the kiss of Christ.”